Down the Rabbit Hole (v)

It was during my third year that I failed and found myself broken at long last, both academically and in spirit. Perhaps it was foolish of me having despaired over a plight not my own, but what friend is a friend who turns the blind eye during one’s hour of need. What followed and came to be, was and still is my greatest personal failure. From the fog of desperation emerged a single grey thought, and be it one of selfishness or selflessness I cannot say, or rather dare not judge. For it was not so much my inability and failure as friend that weighed heavily my conscience, but rather the simple question “Why him… and why not me?” The fog had lifted under a black sun’s dawn, and towards new mecca of desolation I set forth my self-destructive path. I would fail my first course that following semester.

Labels: introspect

posted by Jeff at 8:50 PM

An Affair to Remember (iv)

I loved him for who he is, and I hate him for what I’ve become. To recognize a stranger you’ve never met before, to care for someone you know absolutely nothing yet everything about, it is a relation that defies all reason. Few will ever know what it means to be kindred, and if my life till this point had semblance of purpose or essence then know this to be such. For that alone is enough, and ever will I be grateful..

Labels: introspect

posted by Jeff at 12:08 AM

Welcome to Titanic (iii)

Can’t break what’s already broken. Such is the creed of my tortured lot, those self-condemned to perpetuate a cycle of thought that, by vile design, be both our liberating triumph over the world without, and steadfast anchor whose weight draws us further deep towards abyss within. We spin our own webs that bind us; each new thread compounding a model of self that confounds its own maker, as tragic complexity begets scrutinous thought I find myself at last caught. Caught in vicious spiral as I tumble deep towards what I know not..

Labels: introspect

posted by Jeff at 7:47 PM

Introspect (ii)

But a humble cog in the machine, I have no claim of genius; yet the irony that these thoughts be in vain unless I make such a claim, lies for me a conundrum... So my muted audience, forgive me this once.

If genius were a gun, then God gave me a loaded gun with nothing to shoot at. I have shot myself for the sake of shooting something, and so begins this introspection on that which has defined my years of late. It can be for some, the greatest qualifier of one’s own existence; whilst for others no more than vestigial distraction from things I would label vanity. To choose to be enchanted by a world of our making, or disenchanted through acknowledgment of those very truths hidden by enchantment, is the grey line I find myself skirting about, day after lazy day.

Labels: introspect

posted by Jeff at 11:16 PM

Kindled (i)

Road to nowhere.. like drifting clouds in frenzied sky of still winds.. don’t know where I’m going, what I’m doing, or how today was any different from the day before, or will be from tomorrow; still waiting for something to happen.. anything in fact.. if only for sake of jarring me astir.. There’ll be hell to pay once I’m awake.

Labels: introspect

posted by Jeff at 10:47 PM

scratchpad: session ii

sad blue doll wakes up day after day after day to work for corporate america helping rich people get richer while everyday on her way to work she sees the poor homeless needy people getting no better and repetition leads to the awareness of futility and banality and mediocrity of life that makes no sense to her until one day she starts to ponder how she will ever discover purpose and meaning in her life when an idea dawns upon her just a thought unsure but promising in how she sees reads and hears stories of people reinventing and picking themselves up with renewed vigor following a near death experience which is a thought that sits in the back of her head once occurred but not resurfacing till an awakening realization a climax through an event so simple clear yet concise and indisputably tragic that her course becomes apparent and under a grey cloudy sky with steady hands sad blue doll picks up the instrument and takes the plunge in ever so gently and carefully scared that it might be too much yet relieved at the anticipation of possible escape or understanding and she winces in pain as eyes closed and reopen in a sea of faded white..

hrm.. dunno if that counts as stream of consciousness or freewriting but hey it kinda seemed to work for me..

posted by Jeff at 7:45 PM

ambient grey undertones, main sad blue doll, lost on discovering purpose and meaning through NDE, end with the act wincing in pain - opening eyes fade to white, realization and awakening of futility / banality leads to the act..

just an experiment in seeing if I can write fiction, don't expect anyone to understand my note scratchings too much, just a reminder and groundwork for myself.. figuring out the best way to organize my thoughts into something more cohesive and understandable.. just have to make myself follow through with it, and putting it down on paper is a start..

posted by Jeff at 6:44 PM

interlude i

so figured people might be curious what’s been going on in my life (actually can’t think of more than two to three people that’d actually read this blog) and here it is in a nutshell.. been offered a position in the securities department working on master file and pricing.. it’s a step up for me, get to learn all about the fancy world of stocks, bonds, and what not.. apparently they’re expecting a lot out of me, can’t say I don’t feel the pressure seeing how I’ll be learning everything from scratch, but I don’t plan on disappointing.. I’ll miss the comfort zone of being in the cage.. took me a good year or so to get used to people in there, will take me another year or so at least to get accustomed to the new environment I’m moving into (assuming I actually get the position).. met a girl over the summer too, really like her but such a klutz at everything.. can’t tell if she feels the same way about me or not, should ask her out again I suppose.. but don’t want to push it too much and lose her friendship even if things don’t work out.. sure it’ll eat away at me from the inside bit after bit everyday, but hell.. got so many issues already on my mind, one more won’t kill me.. or maybe it’ll be that one straw that breaks the camel’s back or whatever.. worry about that bridge when I cross it.. WoW guild’s been making good progress, just downed Nefarion but find myself playing games less and less.. sure it kills time but want to work on improving my writing, catch up on a bit of reading too.. picked up a couple of texts on existentialism.. yeah, go figure.. who’d have thought there’d be an entire branch of philosophy devoted to the crap I spend my days pondering.. whether or not I’ll actually have the patience to read through one of those books is another thing.. between that and finance 101 who knows.. weather’s been crummy as hell the past week, rain every day.. but can’t appreciate the good days without the bad ones I suppose.. rediscovered my appreciation for trip hop and downtempo music again.. been listening to Zero 7 – Simple Things non-stop all week.. calms my frayed nerves quite a bit.. that’s it for now, back to getting lost in myself.. - J-san

posted by Jeff at 3:49 PM