Some nights you'd just rather stare at the ceiling and wait. Wait and watch as the shadows creep along, staving off the Sandman as he comes unrequited throughout the night. It's hard to hear yourself these days, even harder still in a city that never sleeps. Where the dark is never quite dark, nor the silence ever too quiet. No better time than the dead of the night to find a moment of solace, and perhaps hear the faint whispers of a self you've long ago learned to ignore. There's something enchanting about it all, the darkness and the silence. Like empty canvas coaxing secrets from the recesses of a mind too tired to resist. And so I stay awake and paint the time away, for the night is short and the Sandman ever persistent.

Labels: introspect

posted by Jeff at 11:10 PM

figures I wait five years for my language skills to stagnate before finally working up the nerve to make this trip.. but come April it'll be my two weeks to see if that little island lives up to its hype.. from drawing breath at smokey pachinko parlors to incense-burning shrines.. oogling at the fetish maid-cafes of new tokyo to harassing kyoto geisha for photos.. visiting the blue tent cities to strutting down the Ginza strip.. watching the Sunday freak-show at Yoyogi to the obligatory guilt-trip to Hiroshima.. so much to do and so little time.. though one thing's certain.. it'll be either the death or revival of the sinophile in me..

Labels: 日本

posted by Jeff at 1:38 PM

it's odd how I keep returning to this character.. happened to be the first when I started the さん series.. and still one I think about every now and then.. know there's a story to be told here.. though how long it'll take me to finish.. dunno.. enjoy the latest iteration.. guess this is one of those stories that'll write itself as I get older.. (though at this rate, it'll probably be done by the time I'm dead)

Blue stared down at the street below. Little dots of people peppered the landscape as they droned about their daily rituals. Blue felt like God from high up here. Removed yet still somewhat attached, checking upon and admiring the human experiment. Who said God couldn’t be vain? With head cradled in folded arms and an unnerving look of determination in her eyes, she focused on the pavement below. Could she do it this time? Blue breathed heavily in anticipation as heart fluttered and beats skipped to an impending sense of thrill. How ironic it was to feel so much more alive in that one moment. Blue lifted her head and smiled at the heavens. Her smile gave way to a smirk, and the smirk to a laugh as she turned around and let out a long sigh. Not today.

Today was just another day. Nothing was going to happen, and nothing ever did. And though the unremarkable day would pass unnoticed by most, some like Blue happened to be all the more keen towards the mediocre pattern. Played out and given thought, one would likely come to two possible conclusions (or so Blue could only think of). The first being that the pattern is perpetual; that today was the same as yesterday, as it would be tomorrow and so forth. To live means to perpetuate the farce, and on some days (like today) is the prospect of escape ever so tempting. And of the other, well we’ll see that in Blue.

It was another lazy Sunday. The proclaimed day of ‘rest’ during which quite contrary to God’s original intention, more people found themselves agitated simply because tomorrow would be Monday. Saturday perhaps would have been a more fitting ‘rest’ day Blue suggested mentally (cause you know, God can read minds). Less than twenty-four hours till the new work week began, like gerbils on a corporate exercise wheel.

Labels: blue

posted by Jeff at 1:26 PM

Plan B (vi)

It’s the big red button encased in protective glass labeled “BREAK IN CASE OF EMERGENCY.” Well metaphorically speaking at least, it’s all in the head after all. For some, the fact that such a button exists is unnerving enough in itself. Whilst for others it can be oddly reassuring knowing that it’s always there should Plan A fail (assuming of course there even was a Plan A to begin with, after all Plan B would be Plan A if there was no Plan A no?) But alas I stray, for the temptation is ever present to break that fragile piece of glass and smash down the button in fervorous despair. Though on those brightest days it is all but forgotten, fraying the mind as it nibbles gently round the edge of consciousness. And in darkest hour there lies but that one button, glowing in solitary glory as it beckons forth to me. To realize that such choice exists has probably turned me down roads most others would not understand. Whether I have the will, desire, or perhaps even nerve to exercise that button, well that in itself is another story I’m not ready yet to tell.

Labels: introspect

posted by Jeff at 3:10 PM

If such were the criteria for being normal and acting her age, then Blue was at least halfway there. She was prettier than most, of that there was no question amongst her peers. Had things panned out differently Blue probably could have lived a comfortable life of modeling. It was however a sad beauty, one tinged with bittersweet. The eyes of course gave it away, windows to the soul as the saying goes. And Blue’s were always distant and somewhat distracted, as though focused more within rather than at the world without.

Labels: blue

posted by Jeff at 7:07 PM

Today was just another day. Nothing was going to happen, and nothing ever did. Least that was how Blue saw most of her days come and go, and it was a fact she was keenly aware of. Twenty odd years old, green out of college and already brooding over her own mortality, Blue was miserable and had no answers. But what was a girl to do? Look pretty and worry less, or so seemed to be the general vibe Blue got from her fellow girl friends.

Labels: blue

posted by Jeff at 7:32 PM

Blue stared down at the street below, watching as people droned about their daily rituals of life. She felt like a God from high up here, checking upon and admiring her own handiwork. Who said that God couldn’t be vain? With head cradled in folded arms and an unnerving look of determination in her eyes, she focused intently on the sidewalk beneath her balcony. Could she do it this time? Blue breathed heavily in anticipation as her heart fluttered and beats skipped to the impending sense of thrill. How ironic it was that she felt more alive in that one instant than ever she did her life. Blue lifted her head and smiled at the heavens. Her smile gave way to a smirk, and the smirk to a laugh as she turned around and let out a long sigh. Not today.

Labels: blue

posted by Jeff at 5:34 PM

(c) This is a tale of the proverbial search for one's soul. Why some feel compelled, even the need to seek purpose in justification of existence whilst others do not is a question to which I have no answer. Perhaps it is quite simply a God-given character flaw that some are condemned to lament over matters as such. Of which there are those who have found what they’re looking for, those who will never endeavor to look for anything, those that are still looking and sadly those who will never find that which they seek. The last lot being the most tragic, to belong to it is in part what makes the sad blue doll sad, and of this he is afraid. And from it he desperately tries to escape.

Labels: blue

posted by Jeff at 11:11 PM

(b) A sad blue doll idled away unrealized. Imagine but for a moment the world had men like Einstein and Picasso never realized those passions in life that history would well remember them for. That had they never tapped into that naturally unrivaled potential for those very same passions, then what would life have been for men as such if not tragic exercise in the mundane. An Einstein with no chalkboard like naked Picasso without brush, understand this and then perhaps you just might begin to understand the plight of our sad blue doll.

Labels: blue

posted by Jeff at 9:00 PM

(a) intro

And with this stroke I hammer down the first line.

As mind burns bright and wracked body consumed faster still,

Lies kindled a forge of dark fancies yet unrealized.

Aglow with fever of creative trepidation does it beckon.

For tonight I draw forth the stuff of sleepless nights,

Of lonesome walks in the rain and numbing frost that ever lasts.

Hold steadfast resolve in one and untempered thoughts in other,

Let loose bridled inspiration as from nothing I will it to be,

And be nothing shall it remain,

As I weave this tale and fashion forth my neverland.

Labels: blue

posted by Jeff at 8:18 PM

Down the Rabbit Hole (v)

It was during my third year that I failed and found myself broken at long last, both academically and in spirit. Perhaps it was foolish of me having despaired over a plight not my own, but what friend is a friend who turns the blind eye during one’s hour of need. What followed and came to be, was and still is my greatest personal failure. From the fog of desperation emerged a single grey thought, and be it one of selfishness or selflessness I cannot say, or rather dare not judge. For it was not so much my inability and failure as friend that weighed heavily my conscience, but rather the simple question “Why him… and why not me?” The fog had lifted under a black sun’s dawn, and towards new mecca of desolation I set forth my self-destructive path. I would fail my first course that following semester.

Labels: introspect

posted by Jeff at 8:50 PM

An Affair to Remember (iv)

I loved him for who he is, and I hate him for what I’ve become. To recognize a stranger you’ve never met before, to care for someone you know absolutely nothing yet everything about, it is a relation that defies all reason. Few will ever know what it means to be kindred, and if my life till this point had semblance of purpose or essence then know this to be such. For that alone is enough, and ever will I be grateful..

Labels: introspect

posted by Jeff at 12:08 AM

Welcome to Titanic (iii)

Can’t break what’s already broken. Such is the creed of my tortured lot, those self-condemned to perpetuate a cycle of thought that, by vile design, be both our liberating triumph over the world without, and steadfast anchor whose weight draws us further deep towards abyss within. We spin our own webs that bind us; each new thread compounding a model of self that confounds its own maker, as tragic complexity begets scrutinous thought I find myself at last caught. Caught in vicious spiral as I tumble deep towards what I know not..

Labels: introspect

posted by Jeff at 7:47 PM

Introspect (ii)

But a humble cog in the machine, I have no claim of genius; yet the irony that these thoughts be in vain unless I make such a claim, lies for me a conundrum... So my muted audience, forgive me this once.

If genius were a gun, then God gave me a loaded gun with nothing to shoot at. I have shot myself for the sake of shooting something, and so begins this introspection on that which has defined my years of late. It can be for some, the greatest qualifier of one’s own existence; whilst for others no more than vestigial distraction from things I would label vanity. To choose to be enchanted by a world of our making, or disenchanted through acknowledgment of those very truths hidden by enchantment, is the grey line I find myself skirting about, day after lazy day.

Labels: introspect

posted by Jeff at 11:16 PM

Kindled (i)

Road to nowhere.. like drifting clouds in frenzied sky of still winds.. don’t know where I’m going, what I’m doing, or how today was any different from the day before, or will be from tomorrow; still waiting for something to happen.. anything in fact.. if only for sake of jarring me astir.. There’ll be hell to pay once I’m awake.

Labels: introspect

posted by Jeff at 10:47 PM

scratchpad: session ii

sad blue doll wakes up day after day after day to work for corporate america helping rich people get richer while everyday on her way to work she sees the poor homeless needy people getting no better and repetition leads to the awareness of futility and banality and mediocrity of life that makes no sense to her until one day she starts to ponder how she will ever discover purpose and meaning in her life when an idea dawns upon her just a thought unsure but promising in how she sees reads and hears stories of people reinventing and picking themselves up with renewed vigor following a near death experience which is a thought that sits in the back of her head once occurred but not resurfacing till an awakening realization a climax through an event so simple clear yet concise and indisputably tragic that her course becomes apparent and under a grey cloudy sky with steady hands sad blue doll picks up the instrument and takes the plunge in ever so gently and carefully scared that it might be too much yet relieved at the anticipation of possible escape or understanding and she winces in pain as eyes closed and reopen in a sea of faded white..

hrm.. dunno if that counts as stream of consciousness or freewriting but hey it kinda seemed to work for me..

posted by Jeff at 7:45 PM

ambient grey undertones, main sad blue doll, lost on discovering purpose and meaning through NDE, end with the act wincing in pain - opening eyes fade to white, realization and awakening of futility / banality leads to the act..

just an experiment in seeing if I can write fiction, don't expect anyone to understand my note scratchings too much, just a reminder and groundwork for myself.. figuring out the best way to organize my thoughts into something more cohesive and understandable.. just have to make myself follow through with it, and putting it down on paper is a start..

posted by Jeff at 6:44 PM

interlude i

so figured people might be curious what’s been going on in my life (actually can’t think of more than two to three people that’d actually read this blog) and here it is in a nutshell.. been offered a position in the securities department working on master file and pricing.. it’s a step up for me, get to learn all about the fancy world of stocks, bonds, and what not.. apparently they’re expecting a lot out of me, can’t say I don’t feel the pressure seeing how I’ll be learning everything from scratch, but I don’t plan on disappointing.. I’ll miss the comfort zone of being in the cage.. took me a good year or so to get used to people in there, will take me another year or so at least to get accustomed to the new environment I’m moving into (assuming I actually get the position).. met a girl over the summer too, really like her but such a klutz at everything.. can’t tell if she feels the same way about me or not, should ask her out again I suppose.. but don’t want to push it too much and lose her friendship even if things don’t work out.. sure it’ll eat away at me from the inside bit after bit everyday, but hell.. got so many issues already on my mind, one more won’t kill me.. or maybe it’ll be that one straw that breaks the camel’s back or whatever.. worry about that bridge when I cross it.. WoW guild’s been making good progress, just downed Nefarion but find myself playing games less and less.. sure it kills time but want to work on improving my writing, catch up on a bit of reading too.. picked up a couple of texts on existentialism.. yeah, go figure.. who’d have thought there’d be an entire branch of philosophy devoted to the crap I spend my days pondering.. whether or not I’ll actually have the patience to read through one of those books is another thing.. between that and finance 101 who knows.. weather’s been crummy as hell the past week, rain every day.. but can’t appreciate the good days without the bad ones I suppose.. rediscovered my appreciation for trip hop and downtempo music again.. been listening to Zero 7 – Simple Things non-stop all week.. calms my frayed nerves quite a bit.. that’s it for now, back to getting lost in myself.. - J-san

posted by Jeff at 3:49 PM

Sometimes I can’t help but wonder why God decided to give me a brain. It’s as much a gift as it is a curse in the giant scheme of things. Man can appreciate a fine meal or companion even more so than dog, yet is offset by how often we find ourselves focusing on the obscenely mundane. From the invention of the great seedless watermelon to kids killing kids for their iPods, ( Man != Dog ) /\ ( Dog != Man ) but substitute a Dog for a Man and perhaps we’ll all learn a thing or two from the other.

P.S. I’m getting reincarnated as a dog in my next life aren’t I?

Labels: introspect

posted by Jeff at 10:16 AM

Mind the Mind

“I’m thinking too much again” thought J-san to himself. Although he could never recall the precursory thought that led to the statement, it was if anything, the thought to end all thoughts. Or so J-san would have himself believe. This is the tale of a man withdrawn, idle and passive to a fault. Skirting the fine line of mu in daily forays within himself, J-san was running in circles. There were always questions to be answered, and answers to be questioned. If only I could stop thinking..

Labels: introspect

posted by Jeff at 5:11 PM

Labels: wtf

posted by Jeff at 12:11 PM